What I've Learned

When 2020 ended, I didn’t even write anything about it here, as I didn’t feel like revisiting it much. While it had some great moments, it had some really difficult ones for me as well, particularly in the second half of it. Most of my time felt like something of a struggle. A journal entry of mine from 2021 says the following

“My mind wrestles with so much self-doubt and more 'what ifs' than ever before. I have always been a creature of the future. This is unlike me.

I’m finding that my remaining motivation is sourced, primarily, from a place of fight and stubbornness, which only goes so far without real positivity and confidence to fuel it. Something has to change. Anger, joy, and even fear can often drive a person. I’ll take any one of them.”

I think, as for most people, I didn’t get to do a lot of the things I had hoped to. My transition from YWAM to life in Tennessee as a student and a worker was a lot harder than I had expected it to be. I spent a lot of time with myself, and I believe that I grew tired of my own company. I was confronted with a lot of my own flaws and became frustrated by them. In 2021, I had to learn to truly live with myself, not just embracing my strengths but accepting

my flaws and imperfections, some of which are different than a few years ago. I have had to learn to accept and allow myself to move with the natural ebbs and flows of life and of my own mind, body, and even spirituality. We cannot be everything all the time. Not everything I ever learn to do or be are linear progressions forward. I think I had to confront what may be my biggest fear and that is of wasting time; of failing to make the most of every moment in a productive or at least enjoyable way. This is something I confronted at the beginning of the year and again on my birthday when I turned 22. It was the first year of my life that I didn’t want to get older. I wasn’t exactly where I wanted to be at age 22 yet.

An appropriate dosage of this fear is maybe helpful but too much is too much. It allows little room for realism and for self-forgiveness, setting one up for a sense of disappointment even when things have gone relatively well. Not to mention it’s exhausting. It’s okay to be young and it’s okay to get old. The passing of time and age happens no matter what you do and no year of life requires a prerequisite. I’ve been working on being okay with whatever progress looks like for me today, not always in the context of my whole life story like it’s a movie. I sometimes seem to think my life’s a movie. It’s fun to romanticize things and to recognize big picture elements of our stories, but they are not movies. To think of them as such removes the joy from normality and peace with human imperfection. In a movie, even flaws are always working towards the plotline or ultimate goal to entertain or to move an audience. That’s not what life is like. Sometimes imperfections and flaws just set you back and that’s okay.

This is part of why I’ve had to lean more into the presence of God, even after a season of what I felt like was sort of drifting away from him. One of my favorite passages to teach about in the Bible has always been John 21, the story of Peter going to Jesus after the resurrection. He is so ashamed and sorry for his betrayal of Jesus, but he still eagerly rushes to him and is ready to repent and to serve better. Jesus convicts him but accepts him, believing in him to do better. Whenever I’ve taught this, I talk about the courage and humility that were required from Peter to act this way—that God would rather take us as we are, no matter how we may have struggled or fallen away from him, than for us to stay distant out of shame or a feeling of unworthiness. I had to take this lesson into my own heart and listen to my own teaching. That has been humbling.

I went through times in 2021 that were very fun and free, and I also went through times of intense stress and a demand for very hard work. It took a toll on me, for sure, but I could feel myself handling it better than I would have in 2020.

I think in confronting all these issues, I’ve been able this year to rediscover a lot of joy in my life, as well as optimism. I found excitement and exploration in the country that I was so frustrated with coming back into it. I had a lot of fun doing new things, big and small. And I made and cultivated new and meaningful relationships in my life, while I also had the opportunity to deepen my existing relationships with my family. I got to see them a lot more this year than I have in a long time. Living with my older brother, in particular, has been really special to me. I have also treasured the times I get to drive down to Georgia and visit my parents.

I cultivated a lot of care for other lives. Working at a rehab center, I come across so many new people all the time, and I try my best to care for them and to at least help them feel valued and hopeful. This has been good for my soul, I think. In this way, they give back to me, even those who may be ungrateful or difficult. Oddly enough, it’s not just human lives I’ve cared a lot for. I’ve always felt very connected to nature and to animals but this year I encountered a truly strange number of animals in need of help and I had an odd amount of very close encounters and interactions with animals, both tame and wild. Part of me thinks that this has been intentional on God’s part. It has reminded me of the beauty of life itself and of some of the beauty within myself.

2021 has been fun and new while also being very grounding and has demanded that I hold myself accountable while not in an environment that does so for me. I’ve tried to truly enjoy where I’m at and be grateful for how God has blessed me. I’m finding flexibility in areas where I’ve been rigid but blind to, as I’ve always considered myself an “adaptable” person.

2022 is going to hold a lot of dramatic life changes and that’s about all I can know about it right now, as everything is very in the air. I’m excited but also quite nervous. It snuck up on me.

Thank you for reading, sorry for this mess of a stream of consciousness. Let me know if there is any way I can be praying for you!

Emily Kathey